my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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