I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
