i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
