I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
