Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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