he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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