Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
