Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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