The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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