I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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