the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
