I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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