Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
