This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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