WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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