If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I love you. Go after that dick
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
