I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
