Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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