I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
