i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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