Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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