The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
