i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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