ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
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I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
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I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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