Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
