We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
