I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
