im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
