Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
