Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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