Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
