Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
