You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think my mom watched the whole time
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
