you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
