Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
