So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
