uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
