I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
