I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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