I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Randomize
