Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
