then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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