She is in my trunk
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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