the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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