remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
