3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
