She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Randomize
