A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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