If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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