u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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