not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
