Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
