allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
