Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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