please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
